How do we ask questions so that we get the information that we want without upsetting the person who is being asked?

That is something that I have been pondering on for some time now. As a leader in a senior position., I always hoped that I created a safe space for people to learn and grow and I encouraged others to do the same.

However, I feel that it is important that the person asking the question should feel confident that they will be listened to in a respectful manner. For me, how you ask is just as important as what you ask. We need to be mindful that our challenge lands well with the person that it is aimed at. I don’t mean that we shy away from difficult questions or that we pussyfoot around so that they lose all meaning. This only leads to misunderstanding and confusion.

What I mean is that we think about framing, or perhaps reframing our question so that the intent is clear: we need information and we are genuinely curious about something. For example, we often ask a question which starts with ‘Why’. Why did you do that? Why did that happen? And of course there will be times when this straightforward question is perfectly OK. However, it can be seen as unreasonable challenge, especially if the tone or emphasis implies criticism, whether intended or not. This can be further complicated if the questioner is a student or newly qualified and a more experienced person is the one on whom the question lands. Learning and growing in these situations can be a daunting experience and as we become more experienced it is easy to forget that we too were once the student or novice who sometimes found asking a question quite terrifying.

So if not ‘Why?’, what do we say? For me the word ‘open’ is the answer. Open questions are so much more powerful than closed ones. Instead of ‘Why did you do that?’ how about ‘What did you do there?’ Or ‘How can I learn from that situation?’ And in the main, most people are flattered when we ask them to share their knowledge and expertise with us, so prefacing these with a simple request for a moment of their time probably won’t go amiss.

However, the onus should not just be on the person asking the question. The listener needs to be open as well. They need to be receptive and encouraging. They need to understand that the person asking the question is doing so because they genuinely want to learn and understand. They are not being difficult or time consuming. They value the contribution and knowledge of those that they seek out.

In coaching we talk of ‘being curious’ about what our clients are saying. That is not being nosey. Rather, it is about being genuinely interested in what the client has to say. Michael West, referring to compassionate leadership, talks about ‘listening with fascination.’ This is a phrase I love and I think it is the cornerstone/foundation of any conversation. We need to encourage and welcome challenge and questions. We need to view them as positive attempts to learn and grow. And we need to equip those asking the questions with the skills so that they are confident that when they have those conversations they will not be shut down. There is never a conversation that we do not or cannot learn from, even if is with a complete stranger and lasts only a couple of minutes. If these conversations are respectful, if we question with curiosity and listen with fascination just think how rich and rewarding these conversations will be.