I have to admit that before I trained as a coach I didn’t given the art of listening much thought. As a leader I intuitively knew that it was important in how I showed up but I was undoubtedly guilty of not listening well in many work and social situations.

Training as a coach has made me appreciate the importance of good listening. I’m now very aware when I’m not being listened to. I’m also conscious that there are occasions when I rejoin the ‘listening to respond’ competition’.

The negative impact of poor listening was illustrated wonderfully by a short activity during a Coaching workshop.

We were paired up. For the first 90 seconds one of us (the speaker) spoke about a place they had visited whilst the listener gave them their full attention. During the following 45 seconds the listener was to become distracted before returning to good listening.

It was an interesting if not a little unnerving exercise. As the listener I could feel the energy and enthusiasm of the speaker, how it fell off when I became distracted and the challenge of trying to regain the initial rapport once it had been lost.

As the speaker I was animated, enthusiastic, but became inarticulate and fumbling when I stop being listened to. It was fairly disconcerting. Even though it was an activity I was still shocked at how easily I lost myself.

‘When you are listening to someone, much of the quality of what you are hearing is your effect on them. Giving good attention to people makes them more intelligent. Poor attention makes them stumble over their words and seem stupid. Your attention, your listening is important.’  Nancy Kline, Time to Think.

Becoming a coach has  also made me question some of my relationships. Previously I may have come away from a social occasion feeling uneasy but not sure why. I now know. I’d not been listened to. My contribution to the conversation had been merely to fill the pause before someone else jumped in. Not an unusual experience and sadly one that I occasionally become complicit in.

So how do you know you are being listened to?

Probably not if:

There is a lack of attention. Listening is not a passive behaviour. Nor is it just about hearing your words. It is about hearing the tonality of what you are saying, noticing your body language. Are they holding eye contact or taking furtive glances towards their mobile phone or laptop.

‘Only 10 percent of our communication is represented by the words we say. Another 30 percent represented by our sounds, and 60 percent by our body language’. Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

You are interrupted. The  listener can’t stop themselves jumping in  with their own experience or opinion. Or even worse, to react or to refute. We’ve all been there. As children, as employees.

You’re not asked questions. A good listener is curious. They want to understand.

You feel under pressure to finish what you’re saying. A common experience in the meeting environment. Time is precious. You are only one of many who have signalled to the Chair that you have something to contribute. But there is a tangible pressure to get to the end of the meeting.

As healthcare leaders  you need to listen and be listened to. It reaps so many rewards. A safer workplace, stronger relationships, a more rewarding career.