I was struck by a phrase that Denise used recently. She stated that we should “not let expectation be the thief of joy”. The context for her was a painting class. She went to it with no expectation other than to enjoy the experience. The other participant, however, went with extremely high expectations and became stressed when these were not realised.

We often hear people say that they have extremely high expectations, of themselves, their children, or others. This may be about winning competitions, school exams or careers. And we often praise those who are ambitious and criticize those who are not. I have reflected on Denise’s words and the question that I have asked myself is – at what point, if ever, does having high expectations become a problem? And then I asked – how high is high? 

This brought me back to joy. I believe that whatever we do in life we need to have joy, we need to feel what we do gives us an element of pleasure. That is what keeps us happy and rewarded. It may still be demanding work, and it may challenge us but there must be some enjoyment as well. If we constantly strive for something that does not give us joy, we may not achieve it or feel disappointed and disheartened when we do. 

This is particularly relevant in coaching. Many people come to a coach with a clear vision of what they want to achieve and set goals to do just that. As a coach I believe that goals should be clear, stretching but achievable. But how do we know that they are just that, and how can we support our clients to find goals that allow them to make the changes that they want to make but also manage their expectations so that they are not the thief of joy? 

I do not use a lot of tools to support the coaching process but one that I do use, and like is a simple strengths exercise. Many of us, myself included find it difficult to say what our strengths are, preferring instead to talk about what we are not good at. For me, a simple but effective way of identifying strengths is to look at what we like do. This is because most of the things that we like to do are what we are good at. Personally, I like to coach people. In fact, I love to coach people. Supporting people to be the best that they can be gives me immense pleasure and I know that this is something at which I am good. 

There are times of course when I must manage my expectations of me as a coach. I must remind myself of my role in the relationship. I am there to be curious, to be non-judgemental, to ask questions in such a way that will be useful to the client’s forward focused journey. I am not there to advise or help, they know what they want to do. If I ask the right questions, they will be able to work out what is achievable and more importantly they will be able to stop their joy being stolen. 

Finally, there is a role here for us as leaders and role models. We can ask questions, inspire others, and support them to achieve their goals. But we should also be brave when it comes to discussing their expectations. Too often we see people take on roles and responsibilities that they end up unhappy in. For example, they may feel obliged or pressured, by themselves or others to apply for that promotion. The expectation then becomes the guiding force with no place for joy.

Whilst reflecting on the link between expectations and joy I have asked myself a number of questions. It feels fitting therefore to ask you to reflect on this blog and to ask yourself, what gives you joy? And has there been a time when your expectations have been the thief of that joy? If the answer is yes, think about what you could do to get it back, to create more balance between the two. And if you need someone to support you through that journey, a coach will do so.